It's The Day Of Love, But Feels Like Something Else

Happy Valentine's Day!  I hope you are feeling loved and cherished today because you are.

I have not written a new blog in a while not because there is nothing stirring and I don't have anything to say, it is quite the opposite.  Too much is stirring and too much to say.  I am having a hard time sorting through it all.  The kids are outside playing so I thought I would attempt to jot something down.  I have to start somewhere or it will never get out.

I am a bit overwhelmed right now.  We are having about six appointments a week for the kids.  It is expensive and takes a lot of our time.  My kids might not stay sitting down at the dinner table, or be able to sit still in church, or be quiet in a movie theater but they know how to wait in doctor's offices.  I guess that's something, right?

Home school is very blurry right now.  Connor is having such a hard time with the work because of his visual issues and on therapy days, he is too spent to do anymore work.  He is continuing to fall more and more behind.  I am hoping that this is a "get worse before it gets better" situation because I don't know how we will possibly catch up academically.

I met with the principle and the nurse at our public school today to have them give me some ideas for what is available to me and Connor if I put him back in school.  They need to gather all the facts, review them and then meet with me to let me know a plan.  I am not sure how I feel about this.  It is hard either way.  Hard if I continue to home school him because I don't really know what I am doing or what he needs to move forward, I am not a teacher.  And hard because he is going to feel so behind and it will be such a struggle to catch up in public school.  Are there other schools in our area that would be a better fit for him, I don't know because we have not lived here very long.

It is hard not to start feeling like you have failed your kid in some way.  Maybe, I didn't make the right choices.  Is what we are doing enough?  I don't sit in these thoughts for too long.  I know it's pointless.  We have always thought long and hard before making any decisions and have always done what we felt was right at the time.  But still, I want what is best for my son and what will make him the most successful and give him the most confidence for his education.  But I have no idea what that is.  It's difficult.

I worry about next year and where will all the kids go to school and how will it work and can I keep doing this and on and on.  Urg.

On top of the issues with the kids, my hormones are raging.  Again.  I am so sick of this journey.  Sick of it.  We started down this road over seven years ago.  And we have tried it all, yet still here I sit with the same problems.  The problems that I try to ignore so I can deal with the kids stuff but the issues are getting so big I can no longer ignore them.  So, I start the process of doctor hunting.  If I sound defeated it is because I AM.  I have walked this road before many times.  The road of searching for the right doctor, the one who has answers, the one who can help, the one who knows something is going on and it is not just me, the one who has seen this a million times before.  That doctor is hard to find.  I have an appointment on Friday and I am praying that this doctor will be helpful, really helpful so that I can move forward immediately.  Because we see a naturopathic doctor for most of our stuff, I need a doctor who is willing to allow me to play both sides.  Western medicine and natural medicine.  Otherwise, it just ends in an awkward conversation and ends up being a waste of my time, and theirs.

So far, the doctors in this area (and we see a lot) have been really impressive.  And helpful.  And top notch.  So I am keeping my fingers crossed because I need to get this under control.  My health remains the most mysterious and discouraging issue in my life.

Ok, kids are back inside.  Won't be long before someone comes crying or asking for help.  Glad we had this little chat, it's been too long.  More to come.  Sooner rather than later.



We've been spending our weekends (well, mostly TJ) teaching the kids to snowboard.  They are loving it