It Is So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday

                                                 Boyz II Men was the first secular concert I ever attended.  I think I was 16.  I still remember it like it was yesterday, it was a day that began my love for the live concert experience. 

Today our friend Kameron and her three kids left to go back to Coeur d'Alene after their little visit to our house.  The kids were sad to see their friends leave so TJ, in his way, walked all around singing Boyz II Men's song, "It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday".  Of course now the lyrics are stuck in my head. 

This is what leads me to the topic that has been in my mind and my heart since the last blog.  Saying goodby to the things that we had or thought we would have.  

We moved a bit when I was growing up and at pretty crucial ages but it wasn't too hard on me, I like new adventures and new places and making new friends.  So those experiences were not times in my life where I felt it was so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.  Now, don't misunderstand me.  They were hard and especially in Jr. High when you think leaving your friends is the end of the world, but what I am saying is that I bounced back and moved on.  But as an adult there has been things that I have not been able to recover from so quick. 

The hardest thing for me to say goodbye to is EXPECTATIONS.

The first time I remember this happening was when I gave birth to my firstborn.  I had began praying from the time I found out I was pregnant that I would have a quick and easy delivery.  I will admit it, I was scared to squeeze a baby out.  But it was something I really wanted to experience.  After being induced because my body would not dialate and pushing for three hours with no pain relief because the epidural had worn off, I was rushed in to operating room for an emergency c-section.  The next thing I did not expect was that my baby would be a BOY.  We chose to be surprised and find out the gender of our child at birth.  You know the same birth that was supposed to be quick and easy?  Every person I knew and didn't know thought I was having a girl.  I just assumed they might be right.  For the brief moments between the doctor saying "it's a boy" and me holding that amazing boy in my arms, I was a little shocked because I had expected something else. 

Then I had the hardest time breast feeding.  I blame the breast feeding class I took while I was pregnant for this expectation being shattered.  They show you the stupistist video of a mother giving birth to her child and then they set the baby on the the mother's tummy and the baby finds it's way to the mother's breast, basically latches itself on and starts nursing.  COME ON!  I was quite pissed when my baby wouldn't do that.  Let alone do that with me assisting him or having professionals help me.  Another expectation down the tubes.

Ten days after Connor was born, TJ and I stepped into a Southern Baptist Church and I stood next to TJ and our new baby boy as he was introduced as the churches new youth pastor.  Background: my dad is and was my whole life a southern baptist pastor.  It was a good experience for me.  But I swore (never do that) that I would not marry a pastor and be a pastor's wife.  There I was.  A pastor's wife.  And in a southern baptist church none the less.  It was NOT what I had expected.

The trasition into motherhood and pastor's wife was almost too much to bare.  I now found myself in a world that I did not expect and sunk deep into severe post par-tum depression.  Besides our homeschool path which I will share someday, this was hands down the hardest season in my life.  And you know why?  Because it was so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.  I needed to let go of my expectations and give myself room to grieve what I thought was and then move on.  But I hadn't really identified what I was feeling or what was going on I just new I hated it, I was unhappy, and I was dissapointed in God for his plan looking this way.

I have also been disappointed in God because I have "expected" him to come through for me at certain times in my life and have felt like he hasn't.  I have been relieved from depression and anxiety only to have it return when I have found myself in places I didn't expect I would ever be.  I have heard promises from God that I expected would be fulfilled quickly, only to have to put them on the shelf until he feels the time is right.  I have asked for healing in certain areas of my life, fully expecting God to heal and have not received it.  I expected to be very involved in church ministry or completing my masters degree by now, not homeschooling.  I fully expected to be able to lose my pregnancy weight right away, not still carrying it and then some four years after having baby # 3.  I expected my kids to all love going to school and be good students, not struggle and do school at home.  I expected all my kids to be healthy and low maintenance, not filling our weeks with eye doctor's, heart specialists, dental procedures, surgeries, glasses, contacts, patching, skin rashes, allergies, therapy.  I expected that I would be able to keep my house clean, all the time.  I expected to have time to maintain my friendships and foster new ones, time to spend investing in family members.  I didn't expect never having a chance to answer my phone and talk to a friend or keep up with family. 

All of this can be hard to swallow.  And I have had to make time to grieve a lot of it.  To mourn what I thought was going to happen.  To say goodbye to yesterday and what I had expected tomorrow to look like.

Don't mistake my honesty for hopelessness.  Quite the opposite.  I know all of these things were God's plan, not mine.  I don't regret any of it.  It WAS HARD but I don't regret it.  It is shaping me into ME.  And I am finding myself along the way.  I am liking who I am becoming.  God has answered things that I didn't even think or imagine, and is answering now in this season some prayers I thought would never come to life.  I am not disappointed.  I am honored that God has allowed me to struggle and allowed me to grieve, it is out of those times depending on him that I am made stronger.  And better.  And beautiful. 

And beautiful people don't just happen.

Thanks Nichole for posting this quote.

It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.  But often what God taught us yesterday is what gives us the strength and courage for tomorrow.  Now I just EXPECT that God is making me into something amazing, and my story although filled with bumps and bruises, is my story, and it is beautiful.