The Roller Coaster of Life

Well hi there.  Maybe I need to reintroduce myself, have you forgotten me?  It's been that long.

Life has been a bit crazy here.

Let's see if I can fill in the blanks from my last posts and update our life.

The naturopath doctor I was going to see here in Boise, who did all of Carly's allergy treatments moved to CA so I had to cancel my appointment with her.  I have traveled to Spokane a few times to see my ND there.  And as always, he has been a huge help.  I feel good, I am able to digest my food and not be bloated ALL the time.  So, for now,  I am truckin' along with his orders and we are making progress.  It hasn't all been easy though, in addition to a lot of cleansing and supplements to repair some damage I have had to cut out wheat AND dairy.  Most of the time I do ok, sometimes, I cry.  Ask my family, they have seen it more than once.  : )

Life is full of beginnings and endings for us right now.  And this alone is what has kept me from blogging.  Life is exciting and very sad at the moment and that has absorbed most of my time.

 We are building a house!

  

This is our very first time building a house, and it's fun!  And super exciting.  And unreal, unbelievable, a dream come true, a HUGE answer to a wild prayer, and one of the biggest blessings in our lives.  I know some people are uncomfortable talking about money and think it is very inappropriate to do so.  I am having a hard time deciding where to land on this one.  TJ and I have always been very open and honest.  The situation we are in now, is strange.  And private.  But then there is a part of me that has to shout from the roof tops what the Lord has done.  Testify to his goodness and faithfulness and his promises.  The prayers he is answering in our lives right now is incredible and many.  So because of that I have to bring up money.  Not to brag but to proclaim God's goodness.

We are building our dream house, and it's paid for!  Totally paid for.  First it is amazing that we are building our dream house, a house I saw months ago that I knew in my heart was ours.  And whispered to God my heart's desires.  I also knew it was not financially possible. 
  
Jesus replied, “What is impossible with man is possible with God.”  Luke 18:27

It is overwhelming really.  There is so much more to this story, and one day I will share all the details.  For now, we are still trying to absorb the blessings (and there have been tons), knowing that it was the loss of TJ's mom who brought us such an incredible gift.  So it is very bittersweet for us.

Another beginning,  we added the cutest little curly black furry friend to our family.  Meet our mini poodle, Ace.

He is ten months old and the sweetest, well behaved dog ever.  He, is also an answer to a desire of ours.  Over a year ago we said we wanted our next dog to be a mini black poodle.  But it couldn't be a puppy (been there done that, twice!) and the dog had to be house broken and trained.  The story that brought us to Ace is also a long one but we picked him up in Spokane last week and he is perfect.  We adore him and can't wait to move in to our house complete with a dog.  : )

Since May the kids and I have only been home about four weeks.  And not a consecutive four weeks.  We have been on the road more this summer than the kids whole lives, I think.  And thank goodness they love it.  I am so thankful for a car with a dvd player and candy!  

Today, TJ and his dad are driving the 8 hour drive from North Idaho to Boise.  Today TJ and his dad said goodbye to the house they were a family in for years.  TJ grew up in this house.  I met TJ when he lived in this house, we had our wedding reception dinner in the back yard, this is the house he always came back to and called home.  It is filled with good memories. 

TJ's dad is moving in with us.  We recently found out he is dying of cancer.  We want to spend time with him.  We want him to be comfortable and cared for.  TJ wants to hang out with his dad and soak in the short time he has left.  It is heartbreaking.  Really, heartbreaking. 

A lot is going on in our lives right now.  A lot of joyful incredible things.  And a lot of sadness and heartache.  We are so thankful to know that God is right there with us in it all.

I'll keep you informed.  Thank you to all of you who have shared in our joy and our pain.

Hard Habit To Break

I am about to write another blog post inspired by a song.  I should tell you up front that music is a big part of our everyday lives in this house.  And it is very common that we will sing song titles all day as we hear phrases that match.  It is also common that we will have music playing in the back ground and every person will either sing along or sing their own song over the music.  It is chaotic.  And perfect.

My last post inspired by a song was "It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday".

When I was around 9 or 10 I would steal my brother's Pointer Sister's tape and get out my portable tape player, a blanket and head to the back yard to set up for my gymnastics routines.  I would blast The Pointer Sisters and attempt to do some gymnastics.  I continued to sneak their music as long as they had any around.  One album I took and never gave back was Chicago's album Chicago 17.  It came out in 1984, I was six.  I listened to that album for years and memorized every single lyric.

The other day one of the songs from that album came on the speakers at the dentist office while one of my girls was getting her teeth filled.  The dentist and I had a fun jam session and reminisced about the album.  He was the exact age of my brothers and though it was funny that I knew all the songs.

Ok...all that to say, the song "Hard Habit To Break" has been running though my mind for weeks but especially this past week.

I woke up Easter Sunday grumpy and not in the spirit of the holiday.  We were supposed to go back home to spend Easter with family and friends but had to cancel our trip.  So it just didn't feel the same.  I also woke up feeling frustrated because I have been taking new supplements and adjusting things in my lifestyle to try and help my health issues and they are only getting worse.  Not sure if things get worse before they get better but I woke up fed up.

Fed up because it was Resurrection Sunday.  You know, the day Christians celebrate the fact that Christ rose from the dead therefore changing our lives forever.  I woke up thinking about this verse :

^{Romans 8:11} The Spirit of God, who raised Jesus from the dead, lives in you. And just as God raised Christ Jesus from the dead, he will give life to your mortal bodies by this same Spirit living within you.

Really, all of Romans 8 has been challenging me lately and I have been really wrestling with it.

I went to church with a mission.  I wanted the power that raised Christ from the dead in my life.  And the pastor spoke on exactly this.  I was ready to have a little faith and ask God again (I have asked for healing in this area of my life before) to help me acknowledge that I have Christ's resurrection power in my own life and to start everyday asking him for it so that I could conquer areas of my life.  I had a friend pray for me at church on Sunday and then came home with a plan.


I would juice and blend my meals for 30 days.  Just to detox and break some habits.  I decided I would eat dinner because that is the only time I really sit down with TJ and chat about our day so I would still partake in our evening meal.


I survived a week.  It is not so hard.  I have done stuff like this before so the shock of it is less and less every time.  But more than anything, it is the habits that are hard to break.  Really hard.  

For me, I have noticed that when I am upset about something or frustrated with things not going well with my health, I feel crappy.  And because I feel crappy, I punish myself per say by eating crappy food to match the emotion.  Hum, interesting.   So I have been trying to pause during these times and speak truth over myself and beg for Christ's power to help me in that situation to not treat myself that way.

Negative self talk, you are a Hard Habit To Break.


It is hard for me, and I am sure many of you to be kind to yourself.  To tell my self that I am enough, that I am beautiful, that I am making healthy choices, that I am victorious.  SO hard to feel victory in something that is such a mess in my life.  But I am pressing on and having faith and speaking out Romans 8 over and over and declaring Christ's OVERWHELMING VICTORY over my health.


Really, you should Read Romans 8, it is all about walking in the spirit and Christ's love.  Good truth.

Do you have any areas in your life where you are trusting God's power to give you victory???


Here is Chicago's video.  Ah, good times.  Good music.  Get out a hair brush for your microphone and sing your heart out!

The Truth About My Diagnosis

Hi there!  I am waiting for my appointment with the naturopath.  And waiting for some more blood work.  I mentioned in my last post that some of you don't know my health issues.  And I realized I should probably share a little more about that because people are offering suggestions to me as to what to do and they really don't pertain.  But I can't blame you, you don't know my story.

I have a diagnosis.  And it has been confirmed over and over by many doctors.  It is not that we don't know what is wrong with me, we all do.  The problem is that no one can figure out how to fix it.  It is in the "how to fix" that we are all confused, and frustrated, not the "what is it".

About a year after Connor was born I was diagnosed with PCOS and Insulin Resistance.  How I got to that place of finding a doctor who could actually diagnosis was a long, and emotionally hard place in my life.  After having Connor I experienced sever postpartum depression and a handful of other symptoms including unexplained weight gain, acne, fatigue and more.  It was one of the hardest times in my life.  Anyway, I could go on and on giving you the details of all the years from then to now but it would take too long.

After each pregnancy, I gain weight (when I should be losing it) therefore gaining more than when I was nine months pregnant.  If that is not depressing, I don't know what is!  Despite what I do and how perfect I am at following orders and no matter how much I work out and do all the right things, it is not enough.

So here is the thing about PCOS and Insulin Resistance, you have to get the right combination of nutrition, exercise, and supplements to get it under control.  Medication only works for a short time and in turn causes a handful of other issues.  Been there, done that.  And no thanks.  When a doctor says to me (or worse a friend or family member) that I just need to eat less and exercise more, or cut calories they don't understand PCOS or Insulin Resistance.  They may know what the disorder is but they don't understand it.

I have just come to realize this.  And I have to tell you that it feels good to know that.  I have put so much pressure and guilt on myself feeling like it is all my fault and I have to fix it with hard work and determination.  And then feeling like a complete failure when TIME AFTER TIME it doesn't work out.  It has been very very hard for me.  And damaging in many ways.  One of the hardest things for me to deal with is that I know people judge me from the outside.  And although we live a very natural and healthy lifestyle and I know more about nutrition and clean eating than most people I know, I can't prove it by having results.  So I struggle with people thinking that I don't know what I am talking about or they must think I am lazy and hide cookies in my closet or something.  I know some of that is not true and those who are closest to me know the truth.  But the truth also is that people are judgmental.  And if the outside doesn't look right then it must be something I am doing.

I have come to have a new respect for myself because most people wouldn't keep learning and trying and working when there is nothing to physically show for it.  I don't give up and I keep improving and tweaking things.  But I am ready to have my body back.  And parts of my life back that have been hindered from weight and physical appearance.

All this to say, be kind to people.  You never know what their story is.  What appears to be going on on the outside may not be what is really going on.  And no body is harder or judgmental on a person than them self.

If you want to know what I and some doctors think caused all this, three words:  birth control pills.  Now obviously there is more playing into it than that such as genetics, exposure to toxins and such.  But I believe birth control pills played the biggest part.  Some things are just not worth it.  I wish I knew that years ago.  My life would look a lot different today.

My PCOS definition: Polycystic ovary syndrome is a hormone disorder among women of reproductive age where the hormones are unbalanced causing a handful of problems such as: weight gain, acne, hair loss on head, hair growth on face and body, fatigue, irregular menstrual cycle, depression, fertility issues, cystic ovaries.

My Insulin Resistance definition: the body becomes resistant to insulin causing the pancreas to produce more insulin.  Then the body cannot use the insulin properly and instead of converting insulin to energy it stores it as fat.

The Results Are In...

Went back into to see the doctor today to discuss my blood test results.  Guess what?  They were normal.  Now, some of you may think this is a good thing.  It is not.  We (the doctor and I) were hoping for some giant red flags.  Nope.  My iron is very low, but that was it.  The doctor shook her head, said she really does empathize with me but doesn't know what to do.  I can't tell you how many times I have heard, "this is too complicated, I don't know how to help you."  AHHHHHHH!  I see the naturopath next Friday.  She will know more but still it is so discouraging.  I am praying that she will have a confident solid plan for me. 

Once I got in the car after my appointment today, I screamed a cuss word first (I'll leave which one to your imagination) and then I started crying, then I started reminding myself of God's promises and truths.  I just kept saying, "Lord, you created me and knit me together in my mother's womb.  You know the number of hairs on my head.  You know everything that is going on in my body.  I know you created me perfectly and that things have gone astray, and those things are not from you.  Because you are good.  Shed light on this body that you created and show us where things are going wrong."

I know some of you reading this don't know my struggles with my health.  And maybe someday I will go into detail but today, I am too "over it" to talk about it.  It is something that despite all my efforts and the advice of doctors, we can't figure out how to get certain things under control.

When I was walking out of the exam room, the doctor was really bummed and kept saying sorry.  I felt like I needed to say something positive just to get her spirits up, not so much mine.  So I said, "I have three beautiful children, I  am very grateful".  It did make her feel better because my statement was true.  I am very lucky, people who have what I have usually can't have children or have a very hard time.  Which with Carly we did.  I am very thankful for my kids.  I am.  But I hate these issues!  Hate them.  This journey has been so long.  And so emotional.

I am holding out hope for my next appointment.  We have been working with this doctor for Carly's allergies.  She is my age but I trust her knowledge and education in regards to hormones, allergies, and nutrition.  Life is interesting when you are in a desperate state and I am not a quitter so I press on and I won't give up but I just had to shout "THIS SUCKS!" really loud so I can get the frustration out and move on.  Thanks for listening.

It's The Day Of Love, But Feels Like Something Else

Happy Valentine's Day!  I hope you are feeling loved and cherished today because you are.

I have not written a new blog in a while not because there is nothing stirring and I don't have anything to say, it is quite the opposite.  Too much is stirring and too much to say.  I am having a hard time sorting through it all.  The kids are outside playing so I thought I would attempt to jot something down.  I have to start somewhere or it will never get out.

I am a bit overwhelmed right now.  We are having about six appointments a week for the kids.  It is expensive and takes a lot of our time.  My kids might not stay sitting down at the dinner table, or be able to sit still in church, or be quiet in a movie theater but they know how to wait in doctor's offices.  I guess that's something, right?

Home school is very blurry right now.  Connor is having such a hard time with the work because of his visual issues and on therapy days, he is too spent to do anymore work.  He is continuing to fall more and more behind.  I am hoping that this is a "get worse before it gets better" situation because I don't know how we will possibly catch up academically.

I met with the principle and the nurse at our public school today to have them give me some ideas for what is available to me and Connor if I put him back in school.  They need to gather all the facts, review them and then meet with me to let me know a plan.  I am not sure how I feel about this.  It is hard either way.  Hard if I continue to home school him because I don't really know what I am doing or what he needs to move forward, I am not a teacher.  And hard because he is going to feel so behind and it will be such a struggle to catch up in public school.  Are there other schools in our area that would be a better fit for him, I don't know because we have not lived here very long.

It is hard not to start feeling like you have failed your kid in some way.  Maybe, I didn't make the right choices.  Is what we are doing enough?  I don't sit in these thoughts for too long.  I know it's pointless.  We have always thought long and hard before making any decisions and have always done what we felt was right at the time.  But still, I want what is best for my son and what will make him the most successful and give him the most confidence for his education.  But I have no idea what that is.  It's difficult.

I worry about next year and where will all the kids go to school and how will it work and can I keep doing this and on and on.  Urg.

On top of the issues with the kids, my hormones are raging.  Again.  I am so sick of this journey.  Sick of it.  We started down this road over seven years ago.  And we have tried it all, yet still here I sit with the same problems.  The problems that I try to ignore so I can deal with the kids stuff but the issues are getting so big I can no longer ignore them.  So, I start the process of doctor hunting.  If I sound defeated it is because I AM.  I have walked this road before many times.  The road of searching for the right doctor, the one who has answers, the one who can help, the one who knows something is going on and it is not just me, the one who has seen this a million times before.  That doctor is hard to find.  I have an appointment on Friday and I am praying that this doctor will be helpful, really helpful so that I can move forward immediately.  Because we see a naturopathic doctor for most of our stuff, I need a doctor who is willing to allow me to play both sides.  Western medicine and natural medicine.  Otherwise, it just ends in an awkward conversation and ends up being a waste of my time, and theirs.

So far, the doctors in this area (and we see a lot) have been really impressive.  And helpful.  And top notch.  So I am keeping my fingers crossed because I need to get this under control.  My health remains the most mysterious and discouraging issue in my life.

Ok, kids are back inside.  Won't be long before someone comes crying or asking for help.  Glad we had this little chat, it's been too long.  More to come.  Sooner rather than later.



We've been spending our weekends (well, mostly TJ) teaching the kids to snowboard.  They are loving it

Just Checking In

Hi all!  It has been a long time.  After all the Christmas hoopla, we kind of crashed around here and kicked into do nothing mode.  Then we had to dig ourselves out of do nothing mode.

Our weeks are still filled with appointments.  And we keep adding more.  I know this is just a season so it is bearable.  And since we don't really have any relationships or responsibilities here, it is not stressful.

Connor has been in vision therapy for three weeks.  It is really amazing.  If you know any kid who is having learning difficulty, I recommend you google vision therapy.  It is a really cool thing, and has answered a lot of our questions in regards to Connor and his struggles.  He still meets with a counselor once a week too and that is also going really great.

Carly is still receiving allergy treatments via NAET through a natruopath and as strange and it sounds to many, it is working.  And she is allergic to everything so this has been miraculous.  Inconvenient, time consuming and expensive but so worth it.  NAET is worth looking up on google also.  We are hoping to start sending her to vision therapy to avoid the other eye surgery her doctor is suggesting we do.  We want to try therapy first. 

In other big news, TJ and I finally found a church.  Gasp!  It took us six months, we enjoyed the break.  The kids love and we are really liking it.  The church is a lot more charismatic than we have attended in the past.  It is refreshing.

The kids and TJ have all been snowboarding a couple of times this year and love it.  Lilah is a natural, so fearless. 

Well, there it is...a generic update.  I had to get it out of the way before I start blogging the fun to read stuff again.

Hope everyone is well and that the sun is starting to warm up your neck of the woods!

Best Christmas Present Ever!

Our family Christmas this year was at my house.  We just moved to the Boise area and somehow ended up about the same distance from everyone's house.  TJ got us a big ole house so it only seemed logical that our house would be where the Christmas party would take place.  I had been planning and shopping for months.  I love to plan menus, and arrange all the details for stuff.  It was like I was planning a retreat at my own house, it was so fun.  I was flying in my 20 year old niece a few days early to help me with all the food shopping and food prep, everything was falling together just as planned.

Then, my sister in law found out she needed to have her thyroid taken out and her surgery was scheduled for December 23rd.  This meant my brother's family was not coming for Christmas and my niece would not be flying into to help me.  I cried.

For three days.

I couldn't imagine Christmas with out their family.  And it was at my house this year!  I wanted them to be here.  It was also the last Christmas we would all be together.  My brother, Clint, and his family are moving to Ethiopia next week and who knows when we will all be together again.  It was just down right sad.  I kept moving forward with my holiday plans but some of the joy and anticipation for the holiday had been sucked out.  I was falling a bit behind on my house work and was counting on my procrastination adrenaline to kick in on Friday and get the house cleaned before people started arriving that evening.

Thursday we did our family Christmas with the kids, went to a nice dinner and drove around and looked at Christmas lights.  It was very fun.  We left the house a total mess and just enjoyed the day.  We got home around 10:00pm and TJ was putting the kids in bed, I was walking around the house feeling overwhelmed by the mess I needed to deal with and still a bit sad about the absence of my brother's family.

The door bell rang and there was a loud knock.  I looked out the window to see who it was and there they were...ALL SIX MEMBERS of my brother's family!  I unlocked the door, flew it open and did a REALLY loud screaming dance for quite a few minutes.  I couldn't believe it, they were here!  Christmas was complete.  My joy was back!  And my house was so embarrassingly messy!  Oh well.

My sister in law's surgery got postponed (I may or may not have been praying for something like that to happen. HA) so they jumped in the car and came.  And it was perfectly wonderful.  We were all together, all 23 of us for five days.  We played so many games of cards, ate so much food, conversed, laughed, cried, and watched all the little cousins drink in their time together, they had so much fun!  It was perfect.

Who knows what Christmas' will look like from now on or our summer gatherings but I am thankful for surprises and God's blessings and that this Christmas turned out just as it should have, all of us together at my house.

Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and that you were surrounded by those you love.

Happy Holidays!
Ronda