Frustrated.

There is a quote currently written on the chalk board in my kitchen which says, "Beware of what you dwell on for that you shall surely become." Ralph Waldo Emerson. Seems like ever since I put it up there I have been struggling with self pity. Darn quote!

TJ is out of town for work. But I say it is more fun than work. He gets to stay in a hotel by himself for four nights, surf for three days, eat out every night, catch up with friends and family and on and on. Sure he has to work somewhere in there but it's a pretty good gig. I am home in a trashed house with laundry coming out my ears and the pile is only getting bigger because the dryer is in need of fixing, of which my dad and I finally fixed tonight, home schooling kids all day, trying to keep up on house work, grocery shopping, preparing all meals by myself, and doing bedtime by myself. Basically I wake with my kids and go to sleep with my kids. There is never a break. And it is just depressing.

Here is the other thing, I have watched kids for three different friends this week. None of which have asked if they can help me out in return this week nor have they checked in on me to see if I needed anything. These are the same friends who when their husbands are gone, I take their kids, bring them dinner, make sure they are ok. I understand that not everyone is thoughtful and has a knack for details and encouragement but really? I don't understand how a person could have so many friends and feel so alone.

A friend asked me how home school was going the other day (finally!) and as soon as I started answering she tuned me out. This came after I sat and listened to her go on and on about her current problems. Oh! It is so frustrating.

Then things cross my mind like, "am I really not as good of a friend as I think I am?", "have I done something to offend them?", "am I just being a baby and making a big deal out of nothing?", "am I expecting too much?". All of which I don't think are true and I think are just lies I tell myself to make me feel bad instead of dealing with the situation.

So back to the quote, I am trying really hard to stay focused on the good things and not let the disappointing things make me bitter. And trying to realize that I am never alone as long as I call on God who has really given me wonderful kids and an amazing husband who make all in this life more bearable.

And did I mention I just started the book, Calm My Anxious Heart: A Woman's Guide To Finding Contentment. HA.

Balance

I am entering my second week of home school. It has been interesting and surprisingly a lot more amazing than I would have expected. Most days have been a struggle to convince Connor to do school but what we are learning and doing is really neat. Waking up when we want, going where we want, moving at a pace that fits the day, etc. We still don't have a routine and I know I need to up the work expectations but for right now the experience is a pleasant surprise.

What I am noticing is that if my friends are not home schooling, which none that live near me are, then they are not really interested in how it is going for me. I think I called, texted, or emailed most of my friends to see how their little ones first day of school was but no on really checked on me to see how home school was going. They would ask but then move on, no one really wants to "hear" about it. I find myself again in a place of fighting loneliness and looking around for new relationships despite that I am constantly around "friends".

Another strange place I find myself is that when I decided to homeschool I felt like I was making a new commitment to my children. A commitment to be around them all the time, to put what they needed before what I wanted to do. What I have found is that most of the other moms around me are where I was before which was a place where you were glad to have your kids in school, anxious to check them into childcare at the gym to have some time with out the kids, and always trying to find someone to watch them so you could go run errands or do some of the things you want to do. I am now in a place where my kids are with me all the time and I have accepted that so I am not trying to get rid of them but rather living life with them. This has lead to two things. One, I am watching a lot of my friends kids since I am home. Which is fun and annoying all at the same time. But the favor is hardly returned. I have three kids for them to watch and they want to enjoy their alone time. Frustrating. And two, it is really hard to hear people complain about having to drag one kid to the store. Please, I have to take three everywhere I go. I can't even go to my class at the gym by myself anymore because Connor is too old for the child care so he sits in my class with me. If I want to try on clothes in a store I drag all three kids in the dressing room with me, we all shop for groceries, all go to the chiropractor and most other appointments. I have learned to deal with it and try to make the best of it but it is really annoying when no one offers to help and then calls me to watch their one kid because they want to go run errands. Where is the sense of helping to be kind or thoughtful or just to be a blessing to someone else? Again back to the evaluation of are my relationships life giving or life sucking. Hard to balance trying to be a blessing to others and saying no to people who never help in return.

Mediocrity

My new revelation for this week is that great friendships are hard to find. My teenage neice has been staying with us for the summer. Not only do her and I look alike but we act alike too. We both are total dorks, we love to laugh, like to do the same things, and find the same things funny. As I have been thinking about this summer I was realizing that I have laughed more in the six weeks she has been here than I did the whole rest of the year! How sad is that. I love to laugh and be goofy and have fun but I had forgotten that about myself because I don't have any friends here who are the same. Which is just depressing.

I have been thinking about the friendships that I have and trying to look past the fact that they are all great women who love God and really evaluate and decide if they are life giving or life sucking. Just because they are Godly women does not mean they will make great healthy friendships. And I am starting to realize I need to find some more friends because I am boring and sad with the ones I have. When I am done hanging out with them I don't feel refreshed or blessed that I got to experience great friendship. I usually feel blah.

Settling for mediocrity is something that I cannot stand in other people or in myself. It drives me crazy when people settle for crap because they don't want to do what it take to change. Not that I am perfect, I totally struggle with this in certain areas of my life but for the most part I am always fighting for something better. How did I miss this in my friendships? When did it become ok to have mediocre friendships? Friendships that just exist like still water, never changing or moving. I know how hard it is to find great friends and it is rare to have a handful of lifelong friends so I am grateful for the ones I do have but realizing I need to find some more, because I need more joy and laughter and fun in my life.

Solidified

The definintion of solidified: To make solid, compact, or hard. Make stronger; reinforce.

I felt like I have received some "solid, strong" advice in regards to home schooling recently. I was talking to a mom who has home schooled her kids for a few years and still has managed to have a very trendy, social, and smart family. I had to know her secret. You know, since my idea of home school families is of those who only wear jumpers and suspenders. I know, it is a ridiculous judgment. I am working on it. : )

Anyway the advice was that I need to KNOW why I am home schooling. And once I know why then everyone else opinions no longer matter and I don't doubt all the time what I am doing because I know why. Her family is a lot like mine two girls and a boy and some of the same temperaments. She said she loves that they are so close as a family and that they do everything together. Which really, after all I might think and say, I really love that too. I hated sending my son to school everyday for 7 hours. I did not like that he was under everyone else influence more of the day than he was my own. Not that I want to control him or anything but I want to be the one choosing what he learns and helping direct him. My son also hated going to school, he wanted to stay home and be with the family. He did not like that his sisters got to stay home and have family time and he was shipped off with strangers. It has taken me awhile to accept this about him, and come to the conclusion that home school might be just the thing for our family. For our temperaments , for our personality, for our lifestyle. And that is ok. We are making the best choice for what is right for our family at this point in time.

The lady I was talking to also shared how instilling in her kids a deep love for God and others is the most important thing for them. Sure if they were really smart, and athletic, and socially acceptable, that would be great too, (which they are). But she would rather have home schooled kids who are a little "off" according to some but are totally in love with Jesus and following after him. That is the most important. And her kids are not "off" by any means.

I chewed on this information for a few weeks, while I was still processing our decision and trying to settle into the idea that this is what our life will look like for a least the next year. And for the first time since my son started kindergarten, I felt peace and excitement. This is the right thing for us. And I would have NEVER chose to do it without being put in a situation where I had to make the choice. But I am really looking forward to starting school and spending time together and continuing to teach my kids about God so they can love him and love others. I know it will be the hardest thing I have ever done, but I am content with our choice. It has been solidified for me.

Whew.

The Point Of This Blog

So, I have started a blog. Now what? I hardly know how to use it or make it fancy but oh well. The point of this blog is really for me anyway. A place where I can start to write down my journey and thoughts. Maybe someday I will share, but for now, it is just for me.

This past year, well who am I kidding, more like the past 7 years have been very difficult. Moments of joy and amazing happiness and many moments of despair, depression, and loneliness. Depression is not something that I have ever struggled with and as far as I know is not something in my family. But once I had kids, either the stress of that or the shift in hormones, or both, caused me to struggle with depression. I have tried it all as far as treatment goes. I am to the place now where I am trying to function within it and hope that one day God delivers me from it.

What depression looks like for me at this current moment is not wanting to get out of bed, constantly being tired and bored, not having any motivation to do anything, easily annoyed with people, not much patience for people, and feeling defeated. Not the kind of wife, mother, daughter, sister, or friend I imagined myself to be but it is where I am at.

I have realized that I don't take time to deal with my emotions and actually feel what they are and try to figure out why they are there. Considering the only time alone I get is when I take a shower which lets face it is only a handful of times a week, I am usually so thankful to have 5 minutes of peace that the last thing on my mind is dealing with my feelings. But I am starting to realize that I need to feel them instead of just allow them to numb me. And that is my current journey, trying to understand what I am feeling and why. AND not punch anyone in the face in the meantime! : )