Frustrated.

There is a quote currently written on the chalk board in my kitchen which says, "Beware of what you dwell on for that you shall surely become." Ralph Waldo Emerson. Seems like ever since I put it up there I have been struggling with self pity. Darn quote!

TJ is out of town for work. But I say it is more fun than work. He gets to stay in a hotel by himself for four nights, surf for three days, eat out every night, catch up with friends and family and on and on. Sure he has to work somewhere in there but it's a pretty good gig. I am home in a trashed house with laundry coming out my ears and the pile is only getting bigger because the dryer is in need of fixing, of which my dad and I finally fixed tonight, home schooling kids all day, trying to keep up on house work, grocery shopping, preparing all meals by myself, and doing bedtime by myself. Basically I wake with my kids and go to sleep with my kids. There is never a break. And it is just depressing.

Here is the other thing, I have watched kids for three different friends this week. None of which have asked if they can help me out in return this week nor have they checked in on me to see if I needed anything. These are the same friends who when their husbands are gone, I take their kids, bring them dinner, make sure they are ok. I understand that not everyone is thoughtful and has a knack for details and encouragement but really? I don't understand how a person could have so many friends and feel so alone.

A friend asked me how home school was going the other day (finally!) and as soon as I started answering she tuned me out. This came after I sat and listened to her go on and on about her current problems. Oh! It is so frustrating.

Then things cross my mind like, "am I really not as good of a friend as I think I am?", "have I done something to offend them?", "am I just being a baby and making a big deal out of nothing?", "am I expecting too much?". All of which I don't think are true and I think are just lies I tell myself to make me feel bad instead of dealing with the situation.

So back to the quote, I am trying really hard to stay focused on the good things and not let the disappointing things make me bitter. And trying to realize that I am never alone as long as I call on God who has really given me wonderful kids and an amazing husband who make all in this life more bearable.

And did I mention I just started the book, Calm My Anxious Heart: A Woman's Guide To Finding Contentment. HA.